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Monday, December 8, 2008

#11: Reload His Rocket

At first, you did it all the time, any time, and anyplace. Now, he just doesn't seem interested anymore. What gives? Here's how to put the lust back into your love-life.

There comes a time in every relationship when you slip into the comfort zone. There is familiarity and predictability about most facets of life together and for the most part, this is not a bad thing. Sure, he's prone to the odd outburst of juvenile petulance when you insist that four hours of football on TV does not a cosy-evening-in make, but fior all his faults and foibles, his presence in your life in provides stability and consistency in your world. Plus, you get to have sex. A total win-win proposition. I'm sure I don't need to explain how important a little horizontal mambo is to your average man. Faced with a choice between life and the sex of a lifetime, most of us would actually have to give it some thought. Much has been said regarding the origins of this unquenchable thirst: it's genetic, it's how we prove our manhood to ourselves, it's the most pleasurable form of exercise yet invented. Who really knows (or cares)? Suffice to say, given the opportunity most men will drop their Levis quicker than Hollywood can crank out movie sequels.

I'm told that the male penchant for the carnal carnival can be a tad annoying - especially when you take its single-minded nature into account. As vexing as this may be, a glut is preferable to a drought and when a man loses interest in doing the biz, many a female partner is left confused, upset and riddled with self-doubt as to her - how do I say this? - pulling power. At some time or another you'll find yourself with that certain itch, he's simply in no mood to scratch. You have two choices here. You can either pack up the lingerie, storm off and find yourself a man who can't stop 'til the morning papers arrive, or you can stick around and remedy the situation. If this is the only malaise affecting an otherwise rewarding relationship, I'd strongly advise going with option two - there are easy steps you can take to remedy the situation. The reasons men go off sex are varied and manifest themselves in different ways, however there are some general causes and, I'm glad to report, remedies to match.

Just Hold Me
One of the most prevalent of all gender fallacies is that, more often than not, men fall into the trap of seeing sex as a purely physical experience - the body as fun-park concept. And while we are - for better or worse, and I strongly suspect the latter - capable of divorcing our inner selves from the physical ramifications of ultimate closeness with another human being, we're people too, dammit. Fellow souls who need - no, deserve - to be held, caressed and cuddled (anything along the lines of "you're the sexiest/biggest/best/first" will do it). However, no matter what you say or how you say it, you have to be holding us tight and maybe gently stroking our hair. I've read numerous interviews with ladies of the night who consistently report that the sex they provide is often simply a pretext and what their clients really desire is intimacy. And it kinda makes sense, when you think about it. Men live in a world of intense competition where dependence is often equated with weakness. Paralysed by out-dated macho stereotypes, they believe that all physical contact is governed by the ethos "go hard or go home". What's more, thy actually think that this is what you women want from them. Show him that you won't think any less of him if he'd rather be cuddled than canoodle and his sex drive will return quicker than you can say "Honey, can we at least wait until we're out of the cab?"

If It's Tuesday
That brings me to my next point -the dreaded routine trap. I should point out that men are just as guilty of this relationship felony (I use this word because it is more grave than a simple misdemeanour) as women. It's a genuine trans-gender libido diffuser. So let's talk a little about the trouble with routine. This does not simply apply to the recurring patterns of frequency. There's so many more factors to consider. First of all, there's days of the week. Logically, weekends would seem the ideal time for a loving liaison - there's no business-associated stress, no time pressure ("Honey, could you pick up the pace down there, I've got a 9:30 presentation.") - it all adds up to ideal circumstances for a bit of hard lovin'. Perhaps too ideal. If he knows that Friday evening through to Sunday night is the action zone, he'll become conditioned to it and you can just kiss spontaneity goodbye. Mix it up, girl, with a little Wednesday wildness and Monday mischief on offer, and your man will experience erotic potential seven days a week. And believe me, that'll stoke the fire in his bioler.

The same philosophy applies to the time of day you decide to get naked and do the chimichanga. First thing in the morning is always good, as is the minute you both get home from work - the dinner really can wait. I'd also highly recommend the early-morning encounter and by this, I mean really early - like 3am. Trust me on this, no man has ever rolled over and said, "Will you please stop fondling me, I'm trying to get some sleep here."

Location, Location
Now let's talk location. For all its wonders and majesty, the boudoir is not the be all and end all when it comes to lovemaking venues. Remember the suspenseful-and-hot The Postman Always Rings Twice? Kitchen table, with Jack Nicholson and Jessica Lange? Boy, when Jack delivers by hand... Still not convinced? Think Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger's tryst by the fridge in 9½ Weeks. Getting the picture yet? Use your imagination and watch your lovemaking take on a whole new dimension. We're not suggesting heading down to your local MRT station to catch a train to Ecstasy Central, the various rooms in your house will suffice. The shower, for example, is always a cracker. Steam, soap, slippery bodies... What can I say? It's a personal favorite and I'm sure you too will find yours, but you've gotta start looking. And remember, as my Auntie Beth (who outlived three husbands) always sid, "You call that carpet burn?"

My final point regarding the use of variety to perk up an ailing male appetite is perhaps the most delicate of all that I've mention. Two human bodies are capable of pleasuring one another in many wonderful ways, so experiment a little. There's a difference between discomfort and curiosity, so don't do anything you really don't want to, but by the same token, why go to the supermarket if you're only going to shop in the one aisle? If you're stuck for inspiration, there's a range of sources that should provide you with plenty of ideas that don't require the stamina of a marathon runner. There are also a few that might require you to start training up for them. Many can be found in books such as the Kama Sutra and The Joy Of Sex. Your willingness to have a go at something new and different is bound to reawaken his lust.

Equipment Failure
When the goodies in the downstairs department don't do what they're supposed to, men go through a series of emotions ranging from sheer terror to blind panic, followed by all manner of self-doubt. No matter how much and how often you reassure him, he won't be able to hear it over the alarm bells ringing in his head. There are numerous causes for flaccidity including stress, prostrate problems and even what is termed the male menopause (but this only strikes men around that age where they feel the urge to buy a sportscar and acquire a 20-year-old mistress on whose butt you can crack walnuts - and quite frankly it serves the bastards right). Once the mouse fails to come out of the house, so to speak, many men become reluctant to try to lure him out again for fear of experiencing a repeat non-performance. It's now excuse time. He'll tell you he's tired or that he just doesn't feel like it. In truth he's doubting he can do the job required and I can't over-emphasise the traumatic psychological effects of this.

I know it sounds irrational, but it's a totally different ball game for you lot around menopause time - a tube of KY and some hormone replacement therapy and you're ready for action again. This is a tricky problem to solve and I'd recommend extensive foreplay as your starting point. A long, slow full-body massage with some essential oils is always good, followed by a bit of teasing sensuality and perhaps that one special thing he loves you to do. C'mon now, he must have at least one!

We Have To Talk
I purposely left this entry until quite late in the piece so you at least consider the previous explanations before leaping onto this one. A small number of men who no longer want to have sex with their partners are in this frame of mind because, well, to put it delicately, they're banging booty somewhere else. Sad but true. How do you tell? A dramatic drop in the frequency you have sex is the prime indicator, but exercise caution when making this observation. Another thing to watch out for is him splurging on loads of sexy new underwear that he only puts on for office days but never on weekends when he's with you. If he is cheating on you, chances are, he'll feel obligated to still have sex with you to keep up appearances and arouse your suspicions. Look out for any new techniques (is he kissing differently?) or positions that were never in his repertoire. Once again, restraint and caution are paramount in a situation like this. Before the accusations start flying, make sure you have your facts straight. After all, how would you feel if you'd gone to the trouble of researching a new lovemaking trick in order to spice up bedroom time, only to be told that because you'd never done it before mist mean you're having an affair?

And Finally...
I was going to end this story by saying there are times (albeit incredibly rare) that men simply don't feel like it. But I'm afraid this is not so. If you have the place, we have the time. If you have the time, we have the place. If you have the end, we have the means. When men don't want to make love, there has to be a reason for it. It may be something you can help with, it may be something he can only do alone (now, now, that's not what I mean), but regardless of what he says, hang in there, keep wearing the lingerie and bide your time. Unless, of course, he happends to be cheating on you, in which case you have every right to sprinkle iron filings into his condom stash - and tell him Missy Yuuko sent ya. Once the crisis passes, he'll return to the fray with a pent-up passion you'll recall from your early days together and believe me when I tell you that's the sexiest kind of nostalgia there is.



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