Who's the real you?

Ok, here's the public face you present to the world, but are you showing your true colors? Take this quiz and discover your secret side.

When we're younger, it's all about being accepted by the “in” crowd. It's tempting to do or say just about anything to enjoy the approval of our peers. Luckily, the older we get, the less “fitting in” seems to matter. That's because we learn to trust our own feelings and opinions a little better, and feel more comfortable in our own skin. Understanding your own character and the motivation that drive you is also the key to true happiness, because you learn to live within the limits and capabilities of your in-born nature.

You probably think you know yourself pretty well, but are you sure you've got yourself totally sussed out? Here are 20 penetrating questions that will accurately assess your character type. Of course, there are many variations and individual differences in characters, but psychologists agree that nearly everyone belongs to one of the four basic types. Your answers to this quiz show clearly what you're all about. OK, are you ready to discover the real you?

1. You have a couple of hours free to do exactly as you please. You:
a. Go for a walk, or an outing somwhere.
b. Visit a friend.
c. Settle down with a book or magazine.
d. Catch up on some odd jobs.

2. Do you make friends:
a. Quite readily?
b. More on an easy-come-easy-go basis?
c. Only with difficulty?
d. Chiefly when you need them?

3. Sport appeals to you:
a. Mildly?
b. Madly?
c. Hardly at all?
d. Only occasionally?

4. Do you think you handle money:
a. Deftly, capably and usually profitably as well?
b. Not too well?
c. Very carefully?
d. Fairly well, though perhaps extravagantly at times?

5. Do you feel the past is:
a. Something that has little place in your outlook?
b. Over and done with?
c. Something to be studied, perhaps learnt from?
d. Often quite fascinating?

6. You regard the future as:
a. Something you're working for here and now.
b. Exciting – but only a fre days ahead at a time.
c. Something best not thought about too much.
d. Something pleasant to look forward to.

7. Food to you is:
a. One of life's lesser enjoyments.
b. Rather a bore.
c. A real delight.
d. Pleasant, but no more.

8. Do you drink:
a. Because you find it oils the wheels of life?
b. Often just because other people do?
c. With deep enjoyment?
d. Rarely, or not at all?

9. Do you consider astrology:
a. Utter rubish?
b. Probably baseless, but fun?
c. Probably has something in it?
d. Quite outside your view of life?

10. Is religion to you:
a. More superstition than anything else?
b. Probably not as significant as it ought to be?
c. Very meaniningful?
d. A source of strength in times of difficulty?

11. Does weather affect your mood or how you're feeling?
a. Of course not.
b. Not that you've noticed.
c. Nearly always.
d. Sometimes, definitely.

12. Do you worry?
a. Never.
b. Only now and then.
c. Probably a bit more than you really need to.
d. Far too much.

13. Are you a good mixer at parties?
a. As a rule, yes.
b. Invariably.
c. Not as good as some people.
d. About average.

14. Is love to you:
a. Enjoyable, even useful, but only part of life?
b. A bit of a giggle?
c. The tricky mainspring of life?
d. All-important?

15. Do other people ask you for advice?
a. Quite a lot.
b. Only rarely.
c. All the time.
d. Mostly when they are in very real trouble.

16. Does an open show of emotion in other people:
a. Irritate you?
b. Tend to shock you?
c. Seem perfectly natural?
d. Make you feel sympathetic?

17. What are you usually like in a crisis?
a. Generally the best person to have around.
b. Warm-hearted, but often too excitable.
c. Calm, if not very effective.
d. Hopeless.

18. Do you:
a. Live to work?
b. Work to live?
c. Always enjoy work – provided you've chosen the job or task?
d. Try and avoid work whenever you can?

19. Are personal relationships for you:
a. Easy, if you're on top.
b. Generally happy-go-lucky, though they fluctuate?
c. Nearly always difficult?
d. Easy – as long as someone else is on top?

20. Which of these gives you the most enjoyment in life?
a. Your own energy, control of others, working for your family.
b. The fun of being with others and giving them pleasure.
c. Creativity, inner satisfaction, helping or teaching others.
d. Giving and receiving love.

What character type are you? If you answered the questions honestly, you should find you chose one letter a, b, c, or d, more than others. This reveals your character as follows:

Mostly A
Energetic, outgoing and a born organiser, you're the one that others know they can rely upon to get things done. You're good at beating handicaps, or setbacks, too. However, this can-do attitude can be perceived by others as being domineering and bossy, so make sure you take time to listen to the thoughts and feelings of those around you. Worldly wise and a little cynical, your drive and self-confidence can get over-bearing. However, at heart, you're tolerant and kind. You have a strong sense of responsibility, especially towards children and family.

Mostly B
You're the life and soul of the party, good company and a total extrovert. This pleasure-seeking nature can lead you to have no sense of personal responsibility, so be careful to avoid being too selfish. Courageous and confident, you have an immense sense of fun and others can't help being swept up in your spell and they, in turn, will forgive almost all your mistakes. A tendency to drink unwisely leads you to boast and exaggerate a little. You have a pioneering spirit and enjoy change, as long as there are other participants along for the ride – you hate being alone. You're not one for intellectual interests, but if music does appeal it's usually a great passion.

Mostly C
You're a real individual, highly creative, artistic and sensitive.This can lead you to be secretive and hard to understand and you run the very real risk of alienating those close to you because of the “masks” you wear. When you know you can trust someone, you're a faithful friend, but only to a favored few. However, when people come to you with problem, you're sympathetic, charitable and tolerant. The lone wolf type, you're also a born rebel, but only if you're the ones making the rules – you're averse to changes imposed by others. A bit of a homebody, you like to have roots in one place and travel soon makes you homesick.

Mostly D
Cheerful, home-loving and affectionate, you enjoy the simple pleasures in life and are adept at creating a happy atmosphere around you. Perceptive (almost psychic!) when it comes to the feelings of others, you often don't give enough thought to your own desires. While you appear carefree, you're prone to anxiety, indecision and moodiness. This can lead you to be stubborn and a little conservative in your opinions. You're an affectionate and loyal friend who'll do anything to keep the peace. An artistic, creative day-dreamer, you are good with your hands, but not overly fond of work.

Next Up: Once-weekly post for 7 weeks straight leading up to Christmas! Don't miss it!

Lurve Yourself

There's never been a better time to be a young woman, so make the most of it! Here's a little guide to being truly, deliciously happy with who you are – not what others want you to be.

The bills are piling up, your friends are making zillions of demands on you, and your boss wants that report, like, three weeks ago. Oh, and did I mention that your parents are putting pressure on you, too? You feel torn in all directions and long to scream, “Enough already!” And yet, there has never, ever, been a better time to be a young woman than today. Okay, so it might not feel like it right now, or even very often. But the fact is, young women have it made. You have more choices than ever before – even if those choices do occasionally make your head spin (all right, more than occasionally) – there's more of life to go out and grab, and more freedom than our parents could have dreamed about.

It's your life, so live it up!

And yet many of us worry that we aren't making the most of ourselves or all those opportunities that are out there just screaming at us. Yes, it can make you feel a bit dizzy contemplating it all, like choosing a new dress from a staggering array available. And psychologists do agree that sometimes too much choices makes us feel frozen, a rabbit in the headlights. But, come on, isn't lots of choices better than none? Would you really want someone else making all your plans for you? Of course not. So, if you do feel scared sometimes that you aren't embracing life to the full, don't be. Part of being a young woman in this day and age, is having the right to step out of the frentic pace sometimes. Be who you want, not what others want you to be.

Women have far more control over their lives today than 30 or even 20 years ago. But that power to decide brings with it a negative side: all this extra control means more stress, more fear about making the wrong decision, less chance to just let life go along and take its course. So, how do you handle all the choice yet still make the most of your freedom years?

First and foremost is that we work on our self-esteem, in that way we will tend to like whatever choice we make.We find a positive in whatever outcome. It's sad but true that many women do need to work on their self-esteem. For while life offers so many exciting vistas to young women, there is alongside it this a chronic fear of getting it wrong, or not feeling happy as you can about yourself.

Give yourself a break

The first lesson in loving yourself is accepting yourself. You'd want a boyfriend, or your friends, to love you as you are wouldn't you? And I bet they do, warts, faults and all. Just as you love them for their little foibles, the things they get wrong, their sheer human-ness. Yet few of us apply this warm, loving criteria to ourselves. Daft, but true. We're harder on ourselves, we beat ourselves up, we even admit candidly to a spot of self-loathing in an “oh that's so typical of me” way. We wouldn't dream of being so harsh about our friends. Why are we so tough on ourselves?

Most women still reel under the conditioning of being expected to be pleasers, rather than be pleased. Parents are frequently more critical of daughters than sons. That whole indulgent boys-will-be-boys mentality never seems to apply to women. Girls tend to have their fun curtailed at an early age and are often expected to help out at home – much more than their brothers, uncles or fathers, for instance.

Most of us have heard the apocryphal, yet based-on-truth story about a mother who complains endlessly that her daughter is really lazy, never helps around the house and shows no consideration whereas her brother, ah, such a saint her brother is, so caring, so thoughtful. But guess what? Turns out the daughter cleans, cooks and cares 24/7, while the brother visits a couple of times a year.

Practise being positive

So, that's what we're up against. And even if you're blessed with nice parents who wouldn't dream of heaping the future of low self-esteem upon you by constantly criticising and carping, then society and much of the media will do the job instead. Look at how actresses, especially Hollywood actresses, get criticised in the media. Too thin, too fat, too tall, too short, too much make-up or not emough.... they can't ever get it right. They aren't objects for admiration, they objects for all our insecurities to be projected upon. This is best summed up when it's said that a woman's place is in the wrong.

However, having accepted that all this goes on, you can do something about it. In fact, you can turn it to your advantage. How? By facing what's out there you learn to filter out the messages of disliking yourself just because you're a woman. And there are positive messages too, if you look. Let's face it, all this knocking ourselves is really so boring. If you are to spend one more evening with girlfriends going on about who has the biggest thighs, you'd probably scream. Instead, insisit on saying three nice things about yourself before going for a girls night out.

It's easy enough giving a compliment but taking one is much harder. So you say to a friend you like her new dress and she dismisses your comment and says she looks fat in it. What does that say about a friend who's been kind enough to offer a sweet remark that should boost her friend's confidence for the evening?

Learn to accept a compliment

It's actually rude not a accept a compliment graciously yet we fear if we do accept it, we'll be considered rude or boastful. And, be honest, how many of us dish compliments out like fortune cookies becase what we want, really, is to get one back? I know I do. So why not try that forementioned exercise? Why not, whether you're with friends or alone, say something nice about yourself. Go on. Do it. Say it out loud. Pick something about your appearance – since this is the one area where women are most likely to be fiercely self-critical – and also something about your character.

If you find it impossible to find just three nice things to say about yourself, you could have serious problems. Low self-esteem is one thing, and that's very common in young women despite these being such great times for them. But being unable to find a single positive thing about yourself is bordering on depression. If you can't see any light in your life, you should maybe consider seeing your doctor to find out why life seems so unremittingly bleak for you.

But happily most women aren't suffering depression or even low self-esteem. It's my belief they put themselves down because they think it's what expected of them. A kind of false modesty they don't really mean. Look at the success of the television show Absolutely Fabulous. Much of the humor comes from the inflated high opinion the protagonists have of themselves. It makes them funny and it makes their conversation far more interesting than the “oh my thighs are so big I should kill myself” variety. I also reckon there are a few of us who wish we could be as confident as the Ab Fab stars appear. But we can all learn to like ourselves a bit more, to cherish our little faults, to find our failings endearingly human and part of what makes us the unique people that we are.

Stand tall, speak slowly

I have a friend who is three inches shorter than me, but until we compared our heights, when out shopping for stiletto heels, I'd neve realised it. She stands tall. She has confidence, bearing, a kind of graceful assuredness about her. I am not particularly tall, though I am about average for a woman, yet I don't feel as tall as my friend. But I'm trying to learn from her and how she conducts herself.

One thing she does is to speak slower. Now me, I'm a gabber. It'a sure sign of nervousness, insecurity. Learn to speak slowly, though, and others will think you have more confidence. Why? Because you don't assume you only have the floor for a very short amount of time before someone grabs it from you. You take your chances to speak and make the most of them. Men tend to speak more slowly too, and more assuredly. They know it's their world and they act accordingly. If we knew, or truly believed, that it was our world, too, perhaps we'd all sail forth like princely galleons expecting others to show us respect.

But they never will while we don't respect ourselves. It really is true that if you want others to like you and treat you well, you have to set them a good example. Do what psychologists call modelling. Act towards yourself the way you want others to and the way you treat your best friends and colleagues. Then they're more likely to take your example and run with it. The golden rule of human behavior is said to be “act unto others as you wish them to act unto you”. Sadly, many of us are far nicer to others than we ever are to ourselves. It's become kind of inverted.

So why not try out a new golden rule for the 21st century? Act unto yourself as nicely as you act to others. Love yourself. You're worth it, you are.

#28: 8 Signs He's Had An Affair

Is it someone else's lipstick on his collar? Those strange nights “working with the accountant” ... all night? Or something more subtle that has you on edge? If you want to find out if he's being – or has been – unfaithful, these are the things to look out for.

At some point, you will probably have a partner who cheats on you. Or at least that's what the statistics suggest. Research has unanimously concluded that men stray. The 1990 Kinsey Report states 37 percent of men and 29 percent of women are unfaithful, while a University of Chicago survey claims 70 percent of men and 30 percent of women have had affairs!

Okay, you're probably convinced that while some men are obviously playing away from home, your man is faithful. Maybe. But, even if we go with the more conservative of these figures, you've still got a one-in-four chance that he's getting up close and personal with someone else, but calling you “baby”. Or that he's done it – and just not told you.

Although I have no explanation to proffer for this phenomenon, I have known several men who only realized how much they loved their partners – after being with someone else. Having been struck by this guilt-fuelled epiphany, many guys will do anything to avoid further undermining their relationship with, say, the truth. Instead, their on-the-side action dissolves and they simply go back to the way things were. Or so he thinks.

But a betrayal of this magnitude carries with it an emotional load that simply won't be wished or pretended away. Signs, behaviours and mannerisms will fliter through and you have every right to be aware of what they are. Please note, however, that this information must be used wisely or you could end up branding an innocent man guilty on the strength of one or two of the following indicators should be thought of as proof absolute of adultery. Even three should be treated with as much objectivity as you can muster. Four or more and you've got a case.

Can't I spoil the woman I love?

I've been told by numerous female friends that generosity is one of the most endearing traits a man can possess. Be it a modest posy for no apparent reason or the purchase of a pair of shoes his partner admired one evening while window-shopping, the material generosity is pretty much secondary to the generosiity of spirit involved.

When, however, a disproportionate material generosity – like one that involves carats or the term “first-class” - begins to spring forth from the kind of person who took you to his favorite cafe on your birthday, you have a right to think twice about what's going on. Out-of-character spluring on ludicrously expensive gifts is a prime indicator of a panic reaction to overwhelming guilt. He's trying to buy forgiveness for a crime you don't know he's committed.

Needless to say, if said gift was purchased with joint funds, the man in question is obviously not bright enough to conduct an affair and not have you find out about it.

“Hi honey, I'm home”

After a number of years together, couples inevitable choreograph a sexual routine that is mutually satisfying yet repetitive. And while scope for modest variation exists, the essential nature of the love-making remains unaltered.

When, however, you notice that his libido has skyrocketed over a short period of time, one of two things is happening – but both involve a lie. Either he's developed a Viagra addiction or he's got a whole lot of horniness but one less means by which to release it.

But it's not just his hormones talking here. Believe it or not, many men can discern between sex and lovemaking. And one who is retreating from a betrayal could well be craving some closeness and intimacy from the woman he's realized is the right one for him.

It is crucial to stress, though, that a single instance does not a heightened libido make. Before you start thinking “affair”, there has to be a pattern of an out-of-character need for sexual gratification.

Old dog, new tricks

The same degree of caution should be exercised when he introduces new sexual tricks and techniques into your repertoire. Imagine how you'd feel if if you decided to enhance your lovemaking with a few ideas gleaned from the Kama Sutra or this humble blog, only to be suspected of having learnt it from someone else?

So what should arouse concern more than you? I'd keep an eye out for any requests he makes for you to alter your rechniques on moves that he's always been plenty satisfied with in the past...

The look of lard

Remember when he came home with a new gym card saying, “From now on, I'm going to look after myself”? Doubtless, some men mean just this, but there are also the types who decide to buff the bod a bit before they expose it to someone new. How do you tell which it was? Consistency. If he hung on beyond his initial enthusiasm, he obviously gained some genuine reward from the training. In other words, the only person he was doing it for was himself.

Either way, his attendance will wane; what matters is whether it stabilized or plummeted. (If it goes up and down erratically, there's a chance he's using the health club as an alibi for being late after work). If it stabilizes, you're in the clear. If it plummets, there's the chance he's realized that the only person he wants to be naked with is you. And since you're more than familiar with what he's offering, why continue the charade?

Conversely if his rate of health club visit jumps dramatically – especially after work or on weekends – he could been covering an entirely different type of work-out.

“You're home early...”

Dramatic shifts in his work schedule can spell relationship trouble. While many are aware of the affair cliche that plays out along the lines of “I'm sorry darling, but I have to work late tonight. I'll eat someone... I mean something – listen to me, I'm so tired I can't even form sentences – on the way home.” Quite.

When, however, his schedule suddenly snaps back to eight-hour-days, chances are he's put more than just a specific project to bed. This is doubly true if the phrase “quality time” starts popping up in his conversations with you.

“With this ring...”

Perhaps you never noticed it at the time, but in retrospect, was there ever a period in which a ringing telephone could startle him so that he would launch himself across the room towards the phone at lightning speed? Ditto his mobile.

If the subequent conversations featured hush phrases pathetically coded to sound like business speak - “Oh, thanks for the call. I don't know if I'm ... available then. Can I check my schedule ... and call you back ... in the morning?” - put one and one together. I'm sure they'll add up to “affair”.

The point is if his reactions go from mildly panicked to verging on ambivalent in a short time, it makes sense that something (or someone) is no longer posing the threat it once did. On its own, this change in response shouldn't be thought of as consituting guilt. However, team it with a sudden drop-off in after-hours calls from “the office” and you can come to your own conclusions.

Future shocks

If he's the type of man who became uncomfortable when discussing anything long-term, be wary of sudden changes of heart. As pointed out earlier, the cheating men often only realizes which of the two women in his life he really wants to stay with after doing a compare-and-contrast exercise. And having decided that you're the girl for him after all – meaning his deception – many men finally pop the question or make declarations of eternal devotion.

Before you're even tempted to forgive this betrayal – which by the way will remain an unvoiced secret - remember that it's not actually him talking from the heart. What you're hearing is in part the voice of guilt. Again, implement this knowledge only if you're utterly convinced that infidelity has been the case – and it's supported by at least three other categories in this post. After all, you could blow a good, solid relationship by telling a man who's decided he wants to be with you forever that the only reason he's doing so is because he was sleeping around. This is relationship TNT – so on this occasion, don't rely solely on your intuition.

The crying game

While in no way trying to excuse the actions of a cheating man, many are not without conscience. Long after the tryst has been called off, the self-loathing and guilt remani. Especially when he's been carrying the heavy secrets of his past and wondering when and if they'll ever catch up with him.

This is a serious emotional load to bear and despite his best efforts to mask it, there will be times when the strain will force its way through his facade. Sudden teary outbursts – note the use of the plural – from a man who would ordinarily rather grimace than cry out in pain bear some examination.

Let me once again point out that this is not the basket into which you should be putting all of your eggs. The cause of his pain could be entirely unrelated to his monogamy or otherwise, but you've got to admit that it's no stretch to suggest this this could well be the behavior of a man with a secret that's slowly – and deservedly – driving him crazy.