#20: 5 Ways To Make A Man Commit

How come all your friends seem to be meeting Mr. Forever and you're stuck with Mr. Maybe? Could be you're breaking one of these five relationship sins.

"It's not you. It's me."
"I've met someone else."
"It's getting too serious."
"I don't love you anymore."

Those are the top excuses he'll give for leaving, as sung by that commitment-phobic bastard formerly known as The One. It was hearing those painful phrases over and over that made me curious as to why some men cannot commit and others don't. For most of us, it's the same old story. You meet, you date, you introduce him to your parents. In the beginning he goes out of his way to make you like him - he laughs at your jokes and "blames the dog" for you. For 18 months it isn't exactly Brad and Jennifer but it's not Tommy and Pammy, either. Then, one fateful day, a friend gets engaged and you decide it's time for "the talk". Will he commit or won't he? Well, go back to the list of excuses above and circle the pathetic reasons he gave. It hurts, of course, because you couldn't understand why. You know plenty of women in long-lasting, loving relationships, so what's their secret? Why won't it happen for you? Chances are, if you've been breaking even one of the five relationship rules listed here, you'll have found your answer.

The 1st commandment:

Thou shalt retain thy independence

Men love independence women - the type of girl who can fend for herself, spend nights alone or with friends (without him), and not have to rely on him for everything. He wants to know that, if he ever did have to leave (heaven forbid), you'd be able to get along without him. After all, one of the first things that turned his head in your direction was that wily mind of your own. Remember when your opinion was your own, and his opinion was his? He doesn't want to make love to, or live with a carbon copy of himself. Especially if you were two different peas in very different pods in the beginning. Oh, and there's something else. Does he manage your bank account, decide where you go on weekends and what videos you watch? If you leave everything up to him, he'll get bored of being your personal assistance and move on. As a 25-year-old man who wishes to remain anonymous puts it: "I want someone who can keep me on my toes. Which means she'd have her bags packed and be out the door within half an hour if I started expecting that everything would go my way or if I took too much for granted."

Spontaneity is a huge plus in any relationship. Keeping your relationship new and fresh will keep him coming back for more. Don't be at his beck-and-call. If he rings you on a Friday night and you've already arranged cocktails with the girls, keep your plans. You can always spend the rest of the weekend in his arms. Sure, a guy needs to know you're into him, for the relationship to work but if he thinks he's the only person in your address book, he'll start to wonder why. Think about the couples that you love and endure. The most stand-out thing about any good relationship is that both people in them have strong identities of their own. Men want a girlfriend who won't lose her sense of self, her ambitions, her desires and her values simply because she fell in love. She won't be dominated, controlled or relegated to second place to keep someone else happy. And she knows that giving up her identity is the quickest way to make her man lose interest!

Warning: Don't swing between ice-princess and a roll of cling film just to keep him interested. No-one likes a game-player and if your man doesn't feel some genuine emotion in those come-here-go-away vibes, you'll be left waiting for the phone to ring for a very long time.

The 2nd commandment:

Thou shalt keep him guessing and guessing

Men get restless if you deal them the same cards day in, day out. If he can guess your response to any situation, you'll both sink into a rut any sane person would want to escape from. Think about it: how does your man react when he gets the same aftershave from grandma every Christmas? Sure, he might not ask to be written out of her will, but she's family - he doesn't have to put up with the "same old thing" from you. If your relationship is predictable, you can bet the outcome will be as well. If you are spontaneous and carefree, you'll both have a wonderful time. By proving you are an unpredictable, caring, beautiful person, you'll earn your boyfriend's love and respect. When it comes to our relationships with men, we often focus on our physical stimulation, expecting good sex to be enough to make our men love us forever.

But men can get sex anywhere; what they can't get is a woman who respects them enough to care about their happiness. The brain is the largest sex organ of all. We need to learn how to satisfy each other mentally; to arouse each other's curiosity to tap into our partner's sense of adventure. Of course, sex is important, too, but it's just as important to know how to blow his mind, as his.. well, you get the picture. A relationship needs change to keep it hot. Don't be afraid to try new things. You wouldn't want you guy to have the same silly beard and moustache for years, now, would you? Go to the football match with him, take him out to dinner once in a while. Surprise him, keep him guessing. Broaden your horizons and he'll be there with you for the entire journey.

Warning: Be interesting and surprising, not shocking and disturbing. Showing up at his workplace dressed as his favorite porn starlet may be taking things too far.

The 3rd commandment:

Thou shalt let him come to his own conclusions

You've been together for an all time personal record and you know him so well, you could easily speak on his behalf. In fact, you do. Someone asks if you've seen the latest movie. You say: "We loved that!" A friend sees you guy eyeing a pretty waitress: "Oh, he wouldn't do that. He doesn't find tall girls attractive." Someone asks what your boyfriend would think of you flirting with a male colleague. Your response: "Oh, he wouldn't mind." You've planned the future as one half of an "us" for a while now, and you think he feels the same - about everything. You assume his tastes are a perfect match for your own. You've instilled your man with a taste for culture ("We love going to the theatre!" and weaned him off the footy ("Oh, no, we'd hate to sit at home all day watching TV.") Then, out of the blue, the man who never found fault with your cooking/driving/taste in music, puts your mother to shame with his ability to pick you apart. Mr.-Agrees-With-Everything-You-Do is now Mr. Au Contraire. If, all of a sudden, he's become the personification of everything you hate in a man - a heavy-metal listening, women-hating, tracksuit-wearing, pub-after-work, fart-out-loud kind of guy - ask yourself why. How, in the space of mere months, could Mr. Perfect have turned into a disagreeable stick-in-the-mud?

Perhaps it's because you're taking credit for everything he does or says. Does this list of oft-said girlfriendisms sound familiar? "You should have seen how he dressed before he met me!"; "We both love anything with Gwyneth Paltrow in it..."; "Oh, I cut his hair for him.."; "He doesn't like going anywhere without me." If so, it's time to back off, baby. Give the guy a break. He's allowed to have his own tastes, interests and feelings. He's even allowed to flirt occasionally. If he's griping about the relationship, complaining about commitment and whining about his freedom, it's probably because he feels suffocated by you. And the only sure way to get him to come around is to give him some breathing space to be himself. Don't force the issue. Take a deep breath and step aside. If he sees that you are respectful of his boundaries, he'll loosen up and feel like he can agree with you on certain things again, while maintaining his own views on others. Which means, when he says, "I hate anchovies on pizza," you can say, "Oh, okay. we'll just get them on my half, then." And you'll both be happier for it.

Warning: If you really let him be himself, you'll probably find the house infested with beer-guzzling mates on days football is on (a good time to hit the shops?). And you may have to feign amusement at the occasional fart joke.

The 4th commandment:

Thou shalt keep the faith

Here's a late-breaking news item: men want the same things women want from a relationship. They may act like they reside on the fourth rock from the sun, but if you believe you're the only one who wants love, peace and commitment, he'll think you're not interested in what he wants, thinks or feels. Don't subscribe to that "gender-specific traits" argument. If you go into a relationship believing men are programmed to cheat, you'll never trust him - and he'll know it. If you can't trust him, he'll wonder why you're with him in the first place, which will make him think you want to "change" him, a definite turn-off. Like us, guys want to be accepted for who they are.

Couples with successful relationships have managed to negotiate the minefield of infatuation, pursuit, seduction and conquest to finally establish a loyal, committed partnership. And the only way you can do that is via your parents' favorite word: compromise. It's all about appreciating each other as friends, as well as lovers, and respecting that you each have the right to be happy. Unfortunately, we don't always agree on what will be best for us as a couple, so you sometimes have to bite your tongue and let your man have his way, or vice versa, for the ultimate good of the relationship. Most "happy couples" find peace through trial-and-error, but you may be able to hurry things along if you stop seeing him as the enemy and appreciate that you might just have different ways of reaching the same end result. If you encourage each other with genuine love and support, it should be plain sailing.

Warning: To know what you both want, you need to talk. But be careful: you may hear a few nasty home truths. If you want "two kids, one of each" and he wants to remain rug-rat free forever, you'll have to admit he isn't the man of your dreams, after all.

The 5th commandment:

Thou shalt not expect too much of him

So he doesn't buy you flowers every day. He forgot to tell you he loves you this morning. He doesn't remember the anniversary of the day you first met. Lighten up: if you hadn't written down the exact time and date of your first kiss, you wouldn't remember, either. The old gender-difference argument actually does ring true once in a while, and that time is now. Women put great importance on what time of the day the sun first shone on the broad, naked shoulders of their sexy new beau - but men generally couldn't care less. The important thing to your guy is that you are with him at all. You know all those times when you asked your boyfriend, "Do you love me?" and he answered, "I'm here, aren't I?"... well, think about that for a minute. It may just be the simple, honest truth. Single male life is a beautiful thing, full of football, beer, buddies and casual dating. Why would he forego all of that if you meant nothing to him? Trust him, give him a chance to show his appreciation of you in his own way, and you might find you have nothing to complain about.

Warning: Don't give him too much rope, or he might hang himself. All that lack of caring may actually be just that - maybe he doesn't give two hoots if you stay or go. But, deep down, you'll know the answer to that yourself, anyway. Bottom line is, there's a difference between forgetting the occasional anniversary and not celebrating your birthday year after year. If he constantly makes you feel bad about yourself, leave.

The Wrong Reasons Men Stay

These two men will say with you no matter what, Unfortunately, you won't want them to.

The settle-for-second-best guy:
After spending several years at the international buffet of womanhood, some guys get heatburn and decide to stick with what they know best. Yes, now and then, men get tired of chasing - it's just too much hard work (so to speak) - and come to the conclusion that the girlfriend they're with now (you) is probably just as good as anyone they're likely to meet. Avoid these men at all costs. You don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who sees you as anything less than the best. He'll say things like "I don't believe in love", only to reveal later, that he does - with another woman.

The if-I-wanted-to-work-I'd-be-doing-paid-overtime guy:
Some men think the right relationship is one that doesn't require any work. He wouldn't dream of buying a car, then not filling it with petrol, but this same guy will believe that it's possible to be the perfect couple without any effort. Which means he's quite content in the honeymoon phase of a relationship; but he's out the door the first time you disagree about whether tax is a good or bad thing. Don't fall for it. You've got better things to do than tip-toe around someone who'll ditch you the first time you put a foot wrong.

Back To Basics: How To Choose A Bra

Hands up those who had themselves measured the last time they bought a bra! If you did, give yourself a pat on your back. Many women make the mistake of buying lingerie that's too small, which is not only uncomfortable but can cause breathing difficulties. A woman's figure is constantly changing, and by measuring herself every time she buys lingerie, she can be sure of buying the right size and type. When correctly fitted, lingerie should:

» support your body

» flatter your figure

» buffer your body from heat and cold

» help protect your clothes

Buying lingerie isn’t something that should be rushed, simply because you need time to try out several different styles before deciding what is best for you. The first step is to get a trained expert to take your measurements whenever you buy a bra. All lingerie outlets should have someone who is trained to take your measurements. A woman's body is distorted when she measures herself, and the expert who does this countless times a day is more likely to get a more accurate figure. She will measure your bust (the highest part of your breast) and your underbust (the area just below your bust). Armed with these figures, you can start trying on items. Once you have the bra on, raise both arms, and try moving to see how comfy it is. No lingerie store should have a problem with you trying on bras; if they do, go elsewhere.

Here's a rundown of some of the types of bras that are available

» Plunging: This type of bra has a deep front centre-cut, suitable for plunging v-necks, so that your bra won't play peek-a-boo.

» Strapless: Like its name, it comes without straps so it's suitable to wear with spaghetti straps or tube tops/dresses. You'll need to choose your strapless carefully. Let's just say, it's far less embarrassing to be caught jumping up and down in the dressing room to test the strapless, than to have your bra slip down... in the middle of a crowded bus or train.

» Push-up bra: There are people who swear they can spot a push-up bra from across the room, then there are others who can't live without them. At worst, they can look, well... exactly like what they are; but at best, they can help fill out the tight sweater look.

» Underwire: Contrary to belief, underwire bras aren't just for the better-endowed girls. The underwire cradles your breasts and provides definition for the more petite girls too. What is important in an underwire bra is getting the right fit, or it may pinch - ouch!

» Minimizer: Regular-sized girls may be wondering what this would be used for. But those of us who are generously endowed know certain clothes look better when your assets are minimized. T-shirts and singlets for one, and luckily minimizer bras not only starting to have more sex appeal but, with wider straps, they support better as well!

The Bra: Where It All Began...

Here's a brief look at the tumultuous evolution of the bra in the last century.

1900: The painful, unhealthy corset began losing favor and a less restrictive undergarment named "brassiere" appeared. The word was derived from the old French word for upper arm (yeah, we don't get it either!).

1914: Birth of the first patented brassiere. Invented by a New York socialite, Mary Phelps Jacob, it was called the "backless brassiere".

1917: The US War Industries Board requested women stop buying corsets in order to free up metal for the war! Thus the bra gained ground.

1920s: This was the era of the "Flapper", and the flat-chested boyish look was all the rage. The function of the bra became to flatten breasts.

1930s: The return of the bust. The bra's function once again is holding and supporting breasts.

1950s: This was the decade of decadence Ds (cups, babe)! "Falsies" were hot property! The heavy padding evolved into push-up bras and bras with stiffened cups with underwire. Strapless bras also became popular at this time.

1960s: Time to burn those bras. The women's liberation movement saw many bra-burning rallies as bras were seen as a symbol of conformity and servitude.

1990s: Bras are back, and they're baaad! From Madonna and her Jean-Paul Gaultier outfits, to Elle and her lace numbers, underwear is increasingly used for self-expression. And the Wonder Bra appears, the ultimate push-up.

Bare Necessities

Keeping Abreast

» Go braless if your outfit calls for it (i.e. something backless, bikini-cut, halters, etc), but do wear a bra under outfits that you can fit one under, as often as possible. It provides support against gravity, plus, you'll get fewer rude stares from men on the public transport.

» Use stick-on breast support cups if you're uncomfortable about your nipples showing through, or for support if you're a C cup and over.

» Good strapless bras are few and far between. So when you find one that fits, buy in bulk. You'll need at least one each in nude, black and white.

» Please leave those see-through plastic straps where they belong - at the back of your cupboard. They're tack. And yes, everyone can see them.

#18: Work It Out

We all have some body bits that need more work than the others. And aerobic classes may not hit the target area enough to make a difference. Here's how to tailor your workout to your problem spots.

Best for shapely legs...
In-line skating
What it does: In-line skating (or rollerblading) works virtually every muscle from the hips down, to give you a shapely, toned legs and a firm, tight butt. Unlike single-plane activities such as walking, running, jogging and cycling, in-line skating is two-plane: that means there's a side-to-side movement as well as forward motion, so those hard-to-isolate inner and outer thighs are given just as much of a work-out as the backs and fronts of your legs. Blading up and down hills helps tone the bottom and quadriceps: long, fast rides strengthen the back of the legs and burn up more kilojoules. Carry small hand weights when you're blading to increase upper-body strength. Rollerblading is also said to be a terrific mood enhancer.

Sweat factor:
In-line skating will work up a good sweat, so wear clothing that is cool and comfortable. A slow ride burns around 900kJ for each 30 minutes; whereas a fast ride including hill work burns around 1200kJ each 30 minutes and gives a reasonably vigorous cardiovascular work-out to boot.

How do I get started?
As well as blades, you'll need a helmet, wrist guards and knee and elbow pads.

How often should I do it?
Aim for at least three 30-45 minutes sessions a week to really tone up your thighs, calves and bottom fast. Try to alternate long, fast, flat rides with spurts of uphill work.

Tips: Squeeze your buttocks slightly as you blade, and concentrate on using your legs. Keep your head high and look forward, rather than down at the ground. For best results, keep your back straight and bend from hips and knees when you want to pick up speed.

Best for trim, toned arms...
Swimming
What it does: It's the best way to build shapely shoulders and it increases upper-body strength without lifting weights, especially if you add hand paddles. Swimming may seem easy and effortless, but water offers 12 times the resistance of air, so it's good for the cardiovascular system too. Work your legs by doing a few laps of the pool with a kickboard. Better still, take up scuba diving - not only does it offer the same upper-body benefits as swimming, but the kicking action exercises the fronts and backs of the thighs, as well as the hips and stomach muscles.

Sweat factor: You won't sweat much in the water, but you will get a vigorous workout, burning between 800 and 1500 kJ per 30 minutes!

How do I get started?
Lessons are held at most pools, just ask around your local swimming pool.

How often should I do it?
Swim at least three times a week for 20 minutes; dive as often as practicable (try taking a holiday to a destination with great dive sites).

Tips: Vary your strokes so that you work out all the muscles in your arms, back and chest; trying doing 10 laps freestyle, 10 breaststroke and finally, 10 backstroke. It's also important to keep your head in the water to avoid back strain, so try breathing in on one stroke, then exhaling over the next four.

Best for upper body...
Boxercise
What it does:Hook, jab and uppercut your way to a super-strong and toned upper body. Working out on the heavy punching bags builds arm, chest and back muscle, while speed balls (the small ball-like bags on springs) plus footwork are excellent for co-ordination and concentration skills. A boxercise work-out also includes a session of skipping to increase speed and cardiovascular fitness, and to burn off those kilojoules, so it's an excellent total body workout.

Sweat factor: A 45-minute class will have you in a lather of sweat. Both concentrated punching and skipping burn up around 1200kJ per 30 minutes.

How do I get started?
Most gyms provide boxing gloves, but if you don't fancy wearing someone else's sweaty mitts, buy your own. It's best to get medium weight gloves that can be used for both heavy bags and speed bags.

How often should I do it?
Two 45-minute classes a week are enough, but you should also skip for at least 20 minutes, three times a week, at home.

Tips Learn how to punch correctly or you could end up hurting your hands, wrists as well as shoulders.

Best for smaller butt...
Cycling
What it does: Cycling is a great toning workout for the gluteals (buttock muscles) and hip flexors, as well as the thighs and calves. It tones and build muscles, is excellent for cardiovascular fitness and can help to increase lung capacity. If you find road-traffic too daunting, try working out on a stationary bike at the gym. To get the best bottom work-out, adjust the bike seat so that the balls of your feet just reach the pedals at full stretch, pedal on grass rather than a hard surface for more resistance, and lift your butt off the seat as much as possible when you ride.

Sweat factor: The more hilly the route you choose, the more sweat you'll raise. An easy flat cycle will burn around 700kJ per 30 minutes, while a very fast ride burns around 1500kJ per 30 minutes and gets the cardiovascular rate jumping.

How do I get started?
On a mountain bike - they're sturdy, easy to ride and the upright body position when riding them means there's less stress on your back.

How often should I do it?
For best results, hop on your bike for half to one hour, three times a week.

Tips: To prevent back problems, don't wiggle from side to side when you ride. Remember, long, flat rides tone muscles and hills help to build muscle.

Best for a flat stomach...
Pilates
What it does: Pilates exercises are based on the premise that the stomach is the center of bodily power and that all strength and balance flows from there. If the stomach isn't strong, other muscles will clench up to compensate. In every Pilates exercises - there are around 500 of them, plus variations - the stomach is held in tightly and the shoulders are relaxed. Pilates is designed to stretch and elongate muscles, rather than bulk them up. Classes are often silent to assist concentration, and Pilates is good for mental energy as well as physical strength and flexibility. It's also said to improve your sex life.

Sweat factor: While the exercise do not appear difficult, they can be extremely strenuous when performed correctly. Pilates is designed to change the shape of your body, rather than give you a vigorous cardiovascular workout, so you'll only burn around 500kJ for every 30 minutes.

How do I get started?
Because special equipment is used, you will need to attend a Pilates studio. Pilates usually involves one-on-one instruction so it's a little more expensive than most other exercise sessions.

How often should I do it?
To get the full body-shaping benefits of Pilates, you'll need to attend a minimum of three sessions per week. Each session lasts from one to one-and-a-half hours.

Tips: Do not be put off by the equipment... even though it looks as though it belongs in some kind of medieval torture chamber!

Wanna Be A Sex Bomb?

Mars N Venus... Actually asked (anonymously) 30 men to tell us their most explosive sexual experiences. Here are their suggestions for making the best bed-rocking moves known to man.

Once you've been in a loving relationship for a long time, the sex can become a little, well, routine. It'll be OK, good even, but nothing either of you would describe as the missing chapter of the Karma Sutra. In fact, it's probably similar to the time before, and the time before that... So we thought we'd ask some sexpert guys for advice on how to spice things up. Once you've read the article, you'll be thinking: "I can't do that." Well, we're not suggesting you incorporate every single one of these tips in your bedroom book of tricks. What we are saying is that - and studies back us up on this - making one small variation to your standard routine can make sex an unforgettable experience all over again, because no doubt he'll want to reciprocate in kind. Just remember that you should try something new at least three times - the first time you'll be worried about whether you're doing it right, the second time you'll be thinking about how to make it work for you as well, and by the third, you'll be able to make it your own. So, here we go:

1 My ex used to flash parts of her body at me when we were out in pulic, like a bit of inner thigh. It used to get me so horny.

2 Guaranteed to get me hot is a phone call at work from my wife telling me exactly what she wants to do to me that night - or what she wants me to do to her. I have to pretend I'm talking to a client, so I try to act all cool and collected, but by the time I meet her, I'm almost ready to burst.

3 If she decides to swallow, it's best if she doesn't make a big deal out of it by groaning or quickly wiping her mouth on the pillowcase or the sheet. She should extend the moment instead, by slowly making her way up to my face with little kisses. That way, I can also feel her breasts brush against my body.

4 I used to love it when my ex would spiral her tongue up and down the side of my torso. I wish more women would do it.

5 Tell him you're not wearing underwear when you go out. I guarantee that he won't be able to think about anything else.

6 This move doesn't have a name, but it's a real treat watching my partner rub herself with oil, and then use her naked body to massage mine by rubbing up and down it. I'm instantly ready for business.

7 Don't underestimate the power of a good hand job. Even if she's not sure how fast or how slow, when to loosen her grip and when to tighten it. I'm more than happy to show her how. Just remember, we don't produce a natural lubricant, so make it smoother with a bit of saliva.

8 Men are visual creatures, so I love it when my partner strips for me, teasing me by taking each item off slowly and sexily. I just go wild.

9 You know how multi-tasking is about doing two or more things at once? Well, I like a woman who can do that in bed. So, if she's sucking on my nipples, she might also be cradling my balls, or, if we're having sex, she'll continue to kiss me. It's hot.

10 I don't know many women who like the way they look, but that doesn't mean sex should always be in the dark. So me tip is: let us leave the lights on occasionally. It's great to see her body and it's even better to watch her react to what I'm doing.

11 My nipples are incredibly sensitive, so there's no better sensation than having them licked and then gently blown on - alternating between hot and cold just sends shivers up my spine.

12 Ear-piercing orgasms and creaking beds are great but, for a change, I occasionally like to try doing it as quietly as and with as little movement as possible. It reminds me of sneaking girls into my bedroom when I was young and hoping my parents wouldn't hear. It still has the same illicit thrill.

13 You know what's cool? When my baby wakes me up in the middle of the night because she's gotta have it and she's gotta have it now.

14 Nothing gets me hornier than a woman undressing without saying anything. My partner once did that while I was on the phone, and I just kept losing track of the conversation.

15 My partner once pretended it was her first time, saying we could do anything but 'the deed'. We were so hot and sweaty by the end of it, we both reached orgasm - without intercourse.

16 You know that line of hair from the belly button to the pubic bone? Well, it's called the 'happy trail', and nothing makes me happier than having my wife licking it quite hard down to the base of my penis, before moving back up again.

17 One night I'll never forget is when my partner rubbed some strawberry-flavored lubricant on my nipples. She blew on them and it felt like I was on fire from them being all hot and tingly. Even now, when I smell strawberries...

18 Bring me to the edge then stop, then doing it all over again. It's like taking two sensual steps forward and one back, but I know my final climax will be incredible.

19 Look at me in the eye just as I'm about to orgasm.

20 It's simple: ask for seconds. That tells me how much she wants me.

21 I'm not vain, but a compliment now and then doesn't go astray. Sure, it's no whizz-bang move, but it always make me feel great.

22 Most girls don't realize how good it feels but, if she can squeeze her vaginal muscles when I'm inside her, it just blows my mind - especially when she starts out squeezing slowly, and then gradually speeds up.

23 Women are paranoid about how they smell but I don't want to taste soap and perfume when I'm down there, especially as her natural flavor is so incredibly sexy.

24 It may sound weird, but I melt when she licks, tickles and darts her tongue in and out of my ear, and it's great when she alternates the tempo and stops what she's doing and I can hear how excited she is from her heavy breathing.

25 I love it when my partner keeps her clothes on. Feeling something smooth and soft graze my body makes me desperate to get underneath it. Every now and again, she even keeps her G-string on. I pull it aside and we just go for it.

26 There's nothing better than a woman who's willing to take complete control and direct every one of my moves, telling me exactly what she wants me to do, when and who. It's really sexy to feel like I'm some kind of extra in our own personal pleasure show.

27 It's not just the foreplay and sex for me... what happens afterwards is just as important. When we're just lying there and she runs her fingers over me really gently. It keeps that loving feeling lingering for just a little bit longer.

28 My partner once put a ribbed condom on me inside out, and the sensation of those ridges along my penis during sex was absolute heaven. I've got a warning though: I wouldn't recommend it unless you have a back-up form of birth control, because unless you're ready to embrace parenthood, it's not a risk you want to take.

29 A woman who can make putting on the condom part of foreplay has my vote. My wife has even mastered the technique of slipping it on with her mouth by using her tongue to unroll it over my penis. It gets me hot just thinking about it.

30 Trim each other's pubic hair. The sensation of an electric clipper against my skin does amazing things a little further south.

#16: Watch TV Get Fit

Do this workout three times a week for six weeks and you'll drop a dress size (without missing a single episode of CSI or The Ellen Show!). By Mars N Venus... Actually.

Sounds too good to be true, but it works! We got a workout that enables you to tone your body to perfection in the comfort of your own living room. And because watching your favorite program is an important part of this workout, you'll be distracted from any of the usual exercise discomfort. So now you can be slim and sexy (not to mention healthy!) without missing any of your favorite shows - this won't work if you scoff packets of chocolate biscuits in between, of course.

The Preparation Kit
Carefully study the TV guide for a 30-minute program you like. Just before it's about to start, put on some comfortable, loose clothes that you can move around in easily. Clear a space on the floor. Push the sofa away from the wall so that you can get behind it, and keep a pile of cushions nearby.

The Warm-Up Bit
When the TV show's intro music kicks in, start warming up. March briskly on the spot for 30 seconds.

The Stretching Bit
Stretch 1
In a standing position, take a deep breath and stretch up towards the ceiling with both arms, then exhale as you relax your arms down again. Repeat four times.

Stretch 2
Reach up towards the ceiling with one arm and slowly bend over sideways towards the side of the resting arm, until you feel a stretch through the side of your body. Repeat twice on each side.

Stretch 3
While keeping your upper body facing forward so you can see the screen, and your arms outstretched, walk your feet round to the right so the side faces the screen and you are twisting at the waist. Repeat four times, to the right and left.

Stretch 4
Keeping your legs straight, rise up and down on your toes, lifting your heels off the floor. Repeat 12 times.

Stretch 5
Circle your shoulders four times forwards and four times backwards. Do the same with your arms, windmilling them four times forwards and four times backwards.

The Work It, Work It, Work It Bit
You can follow this sequence of simple exercises and work your muscles without missing a dramatic twist or hilarious punchline. Try to do 20 repetitions of each exercise. If you can't imagine 20 when you first start doing these routines, do as many as you can and build up by one or two each time you do the workout. If you get carried away with the show's plot and forget to count, stop when your muscles ache or when two minutes have passed. As you get faster, try to do a circuit of these exercises before the ad break, then repeat them in the second half.

Slow Squats
Stand just in front of the sofa, legs slightly apart and feet pointing towards the TV and very slowly sit until your bottom just touches the seat (but before you put any weight on the cushion), the slowly stand up. Make sure your knees bend in line with your feet.

Bunny Hops
Start in the same position as for the push-ups. While pushing away from the sofa back, straighten your arms and jump, keeping hold of the sofa. As you land, bend both knees. Try to stay in the air as long as possible and land quietly.

Side bends
Lie on the floor on your side. Stretch your bottom out on the floor in front of you at a right angle to your body, and bend the underneath leg so it's at a right angle to your body, with your knee forward. Keep your top leg straight and put your top hand to your temple like a salute. Take a deep breath and, as you exhale, pull your tummy in, press down on the floor with the lower arm and curl up sideways at the waist, just a little. Breathe in and relax onto the floor. Remember to do the other side.

The Bit During The Ads
Grab a drink of water, stretch out a little and, if you're feeling energetic, run upstairs or jog on the spot. Stay moving and resist the temptation to flop on the couch.

The Bit Where You Go For The Burn
Do 10-1 repetitions of these moves.

Directory squat lifts
Start in a squat position (knees bent, back straight, leaning forward as if you're lowering yourself onto a chair). Hold two directories out in front of you. As you breathe out, stand up straight and raise the books over your head with straight arms. Try to make it all one smooth movement, so that everything happens together and the body feels stretched all the way from your toes up to your fingers. Caution: don't let your lower back arch as you straighten up. Breathe in and return to the beginning squat position.

Pelvic tilts
Lie down on the floor on your back, with a few cushions propped under your head so that you can still keep watching the TV. Take a deep breath and, as you exhale, pull the lower stomach towards the floor and tilt the pelvis (as if it is a bowl and you're tipping it towards your stomach). Hold for 10 seconds before you release.

The winding-down bit
Stretch out
As the credit rolls, streeeetch. Repeat the stretches from the start of the workout, holding each for 20 seconds, then add these stretches (remembering to do both legs).

Stretch 1
Stand, holding on to a stationary object for support, then grasp the ankle of one leg and bend the knee back, keeping the other leg bent slightly. Draw your heel towards your bum while keeping your hips forward - you will feel the thigh stretch.

Stretch 2
Sit down on the sofa and stretch one leg out straight in front of you. Stick your bottom out so your back arches, then lean forward until you feel the back of the leg stretching. Slowly flex the foot to take the stretch down to the calf.

Stretch 3
Stand up and link your hands behind you and pull them up to lift your chest up. Then bring your arms in front of you, link your hands and reach forward, rounding the upper back and dropping the head. Now grab a drink of water and relax - you deserve it!

Note: Push Ups
Make sure the sofa can't move if pushed, then stand behind it and rest your hands on the back, shoulder-width apart. Keep your arms straight. Take a step back, lift your heels off the floor and lean forwards so that your body weight is supported through your arms. While keeping your back perfectly straight and still, breathe in and bend your elbows to lower your chest towards the sofa back. Exhale as you straighten your arms and push yourself away.

Note: Crunches
You need to be near a coffee table or a foot rest for this one. Lie on your back and place the balls of your feet gently on the low surface, bending your knees slightly. With your arms reaching forwards, breathe out and curl your head and shoulders off the floor keeping a good grip on the coffee table or foot rest. Make sure you draw your chin into the chest as you curl up.

#15: Spa Style

There's nothing more heavenly after a hard day than to lie back while expert, caring hands knead you into a deep slumber. Welcome to beauty's favourite new oasis: the spa.

Spa is a word that conjures many different images. To some, the word inspires visions of a medicinal spring. The more geographically-inclined probably think of a particular town in Belgium. Others consider it a posh way of saying "beauty salon". While party animals imagine a frothing tub filled with giggling, bikini-clad girls... To set the record straight, a spa - in the modern sense of the word - is a wellness centre that offers treatments and, often, feel-good facilities to clients. Treatments include the holistic (massages, body wraps, essential oils, hydrotherapy) as well as the aesthetic (beautifying treats like hair services, facials, pedicures, weight-loss procedures). Facilities may include Swiss showers, heated jacuzzis, luxurious steam baths. Feeling all tensed up at work? Book yourself into a spa and get yourself pampered into a relaxed puddle by expert hands. Trust me. There's nothing quite like it. There's no denying the growing appeal of spas worldwide. Southeast Asia, in particular, is getting the hang of it. Sure, it's an indulgence, and most of us have bills to pay. But with the increasing level of work stress, and the wide choice of treatment centers peppered around, "spa-ing" is set to become a way of life for us. No clue what it's all about? We cut through the jargon to tell you all you need to know about spas before you embark on your first visit.

Day spa or destination spa?
A destination spa is one that's located in a resort or hotel, where you can get away for a short retreat and focus on pampering and rejuvenation. A day spa provides an urban escape for those who can only spare a few hours. Plan a vacation around a destination spa like the Banyan Tree in the Maldives, or The Chedi in Bali for an all-out, full-on blissful retreat. Whereas day spas can be incorporated into your day-to-day lifestyle. Pick a date every month or two as your pampering day, and check yourself into a day spa. You'll emerge fresh and recharged, ready to face the world for the next few months.

Wind up, wind down
Don't just zip in and out of the spa for your treatments. Relax in the tranquil surroundings. Some spas offer free use of their facilities for clients. Other charge a nominal fee. My advice? If they charge, pay up and get the full spa experience. You'll be twice as recharged than if you just had treatments alone. Check in an hour before your schedule appointment, hit the shower, get changed (bring your swimming cozzie) and head towards the hot jacuzzi. Relax there as long as you want (20 minutes is about enough), then head to the steam room. Spas are starting to incorporate essential oils in their steam baths. They smell great, and are fab for your skin too. But if you have sensitive skin, or any other allergies, do check with your therapist about what oils are pumped in with the steam. Hit the showers again to splash away the sweat from your steam bath (it's a room full of steam that includes sweat, not a real bath-type, mind). Wrap up nice and toasty in the bathrobe provided, and unwind in the relaxation lounge while you wait for the therapist to come for you.

Extend the spa experience
Many spas use their own brand of skincare, bodycare and cosmetics. One way to prolong the soothing effects of your spa visit is to buy the products that were used on you (your personal therapist will be more than happy to help you pick these out) and do your own homecare. If you've had a facial and like how the products feel on your skin, buy the complete range of skincare (cleanser, toner, moisturizer, mask). If it was an aromatic message, get the body lotion version of the oils used in your treatment. Burning the essential oils in your room would also bring about a similar sense of euphoria as you experienced in the spa. Spas like Angsana Spa, Estheva and St Gregory all offer home-care versions of their products for purchase at their spa shops.

A dummy's guide to spa treatments
Besides the essential massage, try the other skin-pampering treats that will have you positively floating out of there with velvety-smooth skin and a detoxed body. Start with a body glow; a full-bodied scrub where the therapist slathers your shoulders to the soles of your feet with your choice of scrubs (anything from a sea-salt to mint-tinted granules to yummy smelling strawberry) and gives you the ultimate rub-down. This prepares the skin for a nourishing body wrap (seaweed and mud are popular for their moisturizing properties, ginger ups circulation, while crushed grapeseed detoxifies and has rich anti-oxidants). Hydrotherapy sounds intimidating, but it's just a name for water jets that help in blood circulation and slimming. Ask away during your consultation session, and the spa staff will be happy to recommend the right treatments for you.

Before the spa
Forget about cramming in that plate of spaghetti before rushing off for your appointment or you'll feet uncomfortably bloated throughout your session. But don't arrive hungry either, unless you want your therapist to hear your growling tummy throughout. Have something to eat at least an hour before your treatment. And keep it light, such as a fresh salad or tuna sandwich. If you're having an exfoliating body scrub, avoid scuffing yourself for the few days leading to your appointment. If it's a massage you're having, skip the body moisturizer before leaving the house. It's common spa etiquette to have a shower at home first, if all you're having is a massage. Most spas don't factor in time for you to shower there and then, so go squeaky clean.

Massages
The highlight of any spa trip, massages can be invigorating, relaxing, anti-stress and soothing (for tired muscles). The most common schools of massage are the Swedish, Shiatsu, Aromatic, Lomi Lomi, Indonesian and Thai. Every spa usually has their own unique signature massage. Try that out if it's your first visit. It's usually the best.

Swedish: Light, yet deep strokes are used to improve blood circulation, reduce tension and soothe sore muscles. This highly relaxing massage often lulls you into a state of peaceful slumber.

Shiatsu: The release of trapped energy in the 14 body meridians (a belief subscribed to by the school of shiatsu medicine) and the restoration of balance and well-being are achieved with finger-thumb pressure. This is a cross between acupuncture and massage.

Aromatic: Different essential oils are blended to the specific needs of clients, to induce different therapeutic benefits. Ylang ylang to balance raging hormones, citrus oils to energize, lavender and chamomile to soothe.

Lomi Lomi: A sensual Hawaiian massage that involves rhythmic kneading and sliding strokes to relax. Fingertips are used to knead, while the entire lower arm slides soothingly across the back and legs.

Spa etiquette
» Show up at least 15 to 20 minutes early for your appointment. There's nothing worse than being late, it causes later clients to have to wait because your treatment ends later than planned. Also, you'll need the extra time to change out of your clothes, rinse under the showers, warm up in the sauna or steam room, or anything to clear your head before the treatment.

» Give yourself ample time to enjoy the benefits of your spa visit. Forget about planning something else right after your visit. You'll need some winding down time, as well as time to perhaps shower, have some time and even try out the jacuzzi or sauna facilities.

» You're expected to remove your shoes and wear the slippers, provided. It's simply rude not to wear them.

» If there's something you want to know or if you're uncomfortable with something at any time that you're on the premises, ask! It never hurts to find out if you can get an outdoor massage pavilion, or if you could use the sauna before your treatment.

» Remember that trained spa therapists see hundreds or even thousands of body types and sizes. Be prepared to relax au naturel. You'll never enjoy the full relaxing effects of a spa if you're feeling so self-conscious.

» Do tip therapists at destination spas in countries like Indonesia and Thailand. It'a always a nice gesture, and you'll be sure to get even better service for your next treatment.

» Leave your cell phone and pager behind. The purpose of a trip to the spa is to relax and rejuvenate, not to get a massage while you think about tomorrow's presentation.

Be A Beach Babe

Blame it on bikini-clad Ursula Andress. When she emerged from the sea in the 007-classic Dr No, the image of the modern beach babe was born. But real-life beach beauties aren't born, they're made. The only catch? Making the effort look effortless. Sail through summer with Mars And Venus...Actually's tips for seaside glamour.

A lot of hot air
Think beachside hair and you picture tousled, rippling locks. It's not about a perfectly in-place low-dry - not only does this look too "done", it simply takes too long. After all, when the sun is shining, the sea sparkling and the beach is beckoning, do you really want to be wasting time in the bathroom, lasting yourself with hot air and doing a contortion with your hairdryer and brush? Save the effort for work days. All you need for beach-ready hair is to comb a leave-in sunscreen treatment through towel-dried hair, and let the natural summer heat do its work.

Cutting loose
Ponytails, pigtails, plaits ... the beach is where you can get away with all your favorite girly Gidhet hairstyles. Make the most of it and decorate your 'dos with real or artificial tropical blooms. Or try out the Gucci look - a long scarf tied kerchief-style at the back of the head.

Love your hair to health
It's all too easy for tresses to wind up looking like a tangled of shrivelled seaweed by the end of the beach season. Unless you have a beach-specific hair strategy, the sun, the salt and sand will all take their toll. If you colour your hair, comb in a shield alm or oil before taking the plunge - it's like an invisible bathing cap. At tne end of the day in the sea, wash your hair with a deep cleansing shampoo. For an additional lift, try a post-sun conditioner. Finally, nourish locks with an intensive treatment once a week.

Mermaid temp-tresses
You know those sexy Blue Lagoon locks? That just-been-rolling-in-the-waves-with-a-dream-boy effect? Yes, it looks amazingly sultry, but if he tries to run his fingers through your salty mane, he'll encounter hardly enough snarls to make you howl in pain. Hardly romantic! A better way to get the sexy sea-goddess look? Kusco-Murphy Beach Hair is a light gel blended with crushed bamboo, bergamot and coconut oil, and gives your locks a tousled, carefree look - plus, it smells tantalisingly tropical. Hair stylist Kevin Murphy was inspired to concoct it after working on a Sports Illustrated shoot: sand blew into the hair gel, which gave the model's locks extra texture and body.

Beauty in the buff
Layers of make-up won't stick it out in the heat, so stick to sheer coverage. A facial self-tanner is perfect if you normally get away with minimal foundation. If you need more help, add a dollop or two of liquid foundation to your facial sunscreen. Spot cover any blemishes and set the concealer with powder. Choose a lip-cheek-eye stick or cream in a warm shade (bronze or gold), dab on lips, lids and cheeks and press in with your fingers.

Evening star
How to make the most of that all-over-fake tan? Mix some shimmer into your sunscreen and coat yourself from head to toe. Try Anna Sui Body Glitter #701. It looks tres St Tropez, plut is sets off that hot pink bikini! At night, turn up the voltage. Keep the face subtle - dust on glimmer powder, smooth on a high-sheen tint.

Surf skin saver
What's your number-one summer skin saviour? Loads of sunscreen, of course; slather it on when you know you'll be exposed to the sun. But you also need to be extra dilligent with your regular routine as well. If you suffer from excess grease, don't skip the moisturiser (even oily complexions get dehydrated) - just swap to a lighter, gel-based or oil-control lotion, or apply your cream just to dry skin spots. You may also need to use an oil or acne-control cleansing foam to keep over-active sebaceous glands in check and exfoliate once a week. If you have an excess-oil problem, pack on a purifying mask twice a week, while all skins benefit from a weekly hydrating treatment.

Tequila sunrise
Lip glosses and cheek tints in coral shades, nail polishes in daiquiri colours, eye-shadows in curacao blue and Midori green ... If you want to make a splash with summer's technicolour make-up, the each is your perfect backdrop. The key: pick one shade and one facial feature only. You want a single wash of colour on an almost bare face. Coat your lids in blue or green, load up your lids with coral or hot-pink, or slick your nails (be sure to splurge on a manicure and pedicure at the start of a sunny season) in a shade that's between yellow or orange.

Gyno Anxiety

A regular PAP smear is a good start, but really looking after yuor body requires more intimate knowledge. If you've been guilty of complacency about your reproductive health, stop cringing, uncross those legs and read on...

Below The Belt

Scan any office, bus or shop and you'll see women going about their daily business. Outwardly, all look normal but, inside, those women could be itching like mad with thrush, growing cysts on their ovaries or harbouring a lump in their breasts. These are "women's problems", usually discussed in hushed tones with eyes downcast. Well, not here. We're talking loud and proud about the things that can go wrong with your "girlie bits", so you'll be able to recognise if a problem strikes - and take action. Here's a guide through the maze of problems that affect the health of those body parts specific to women - the vagina, cervix, uterus, ovaries and breasts. Any one of us could be affected, at any time. Yep, that includes you. So read on.

Thrush

What is it?
Basically, a thrush is an overgrown yeast fungus. Candida albicans is a fungus present in small amounts on your skin and in your mouth, bowel and vagina. Usually, your body's defences keep it in check, but sometimes circumstances allow it to flourish and it starts to attack the tissue under it, causing inflammation - that is candidiasis or thrush. Factors include stress, taking the Pill, antibiotics, a high intake of alcohol, sugar and caffeine (especially in recurring thrush) and hot sweatiness around the vagina (often caused by tight pants and synthetic undies).

What does it feel like?
In a word, itchy. It causes an intense itching or burning around your vagina and vulva, accompanied by a discharge that's often described as looking like cottage cheese, but can also be thin and clear. Some say it smells like bread or beer.

What can I do about it?
Thrush is diagnosed by examination and sometimes a swab (to identify the yeast). You must have it diagnosed by a doctor, especially the first time, as there are other infections, such as bacterial and urinary tract infections, that can affect the area and produce a similar sensation. Treatment is via creams, pessaries and sometimes even oral treatments. You'd probably also be advised to wear cotton underwear, avoid soaps and perfumes, wash the area regularly, wipe your anus from front to back and use a condom when infected. If you have chronic thrush, try to change to an appropriate diet; taking lots of sugar and wine will increase candida's recurrence. Try eating acidophilus bacteria, which are found in some yoghurts or in tablets from health food stores. They should help clear it up.

Fibroids

What are they?
Fibroids are benign (non-cancerous) tumours that grow in the wall of the uterus. They are made up of muscle and fibrous tissue. One in five women has fibroids, but as firboids are often symptoms-free, you could be that one-in-five and not even know it. No-one knows what causes them, but their growth seems to depend on the presence of hormones, mainly oestrogen. There are fibroids on record that weigh 10kg, which you can feel because as they grow, they enlarge and distort the uterus and can often be felt by pressing on the area. Fibroids are rare in women under 25.

What do they feel like?
Usually, you won't feel a thing - but they can cause heavy periods or bleeding after sex and between periods. They may intefere with fertility by projecting into the uterus cvausing miscarriage or premature delivery, but this is not common.

What can I do about them?
Treatment depends on fibroid size and whether the woman wants to keep her uterus. If you're 45, have had your babies and are sick of heavy periods, you may choose a hysterectomy. If you're 25, however, and the fibroids are thought to be interfering with your fertility, they may just cut out the fibroid. A naturopath will prescribe herbs to help regulate bleeding and to reduce fibroid size. You can also use dietary changes to control oestrogen levels, such as eating more soya products, increasing your protein intake and eating more vegetables from the cabbage family.

PMS

Short of beating your boyfriend with a rolled-up printable version of Mars & Venus... Actually, finding relief from PMS can be a bitch. The most common symptoms include a bloated abdomen, swollen, tender breasts and "mood changes". Add to this swollen ankles, skin disorders, headaches, backaches and hot flushes and it's no wonder that women who suffer badly from PMS may also be irritable, anxious, depressed or aggressive. Mainstream medical treatments include taking the Pill, using diuretics to help eliminate fluids from the body and taking supplementary vitamins, including B6 and B1. A healthy diet and lots of exercise are also highly recommended. Evening primrose oil, often suggested as a natural cure for PMS, is only suitable for mild cases while visiting a naturopath may provide more relief.

Ovarian Cysts

What are they?
There are many different types of ovarian cysts. The most common are physiological cysts, also known as "simple" or "functional" cysts, because they form as part of normal ovarian processes. There are two types of simple cysts: follicular cysts, which form when an ovarian follicle (egg sac) doesn't release its ovum (egg) and fills up with clear fluid; and luteal cysts, which form in ruptured follicles and are more likely to cause spotting, heavy bleeding or early/late periods. Both follicular and luteal cysts usually disppear on their own. With polycystic ovarian syndrome, lots of little cysts form all over the ovary's surface. The first signs of the condition include heavy bleeding and irregular periods and, over time, these cysts can affect fertility. This condition is generally treated hormonally. Other benign cysts include hormone-producing cysts, serous and mucinous cystadenomas, fibromas and Brenner tumours. Most of these should be surgically removed once discovered. In all cases, irregularities in your periods are the giveaway.

What do they feel like?
Generally, you won't notice an ovarian cyst. If it ruptures, however, it may cause pain, often on one side only. Pain during sex can also be a warning sign of cysts, as can a "bloated" or heavy feeling in the lower abdomen.

What can I do about them?
Treatment depends on what it looks like on the ultrasound - how big they are, whether it's a 'simple' cyst or a 'complex' cyst, which can be malignant and usually needs to be removed. Ovarian cysts are usually considered to be a result of some abnormal tissue development. If there's even the smallest possibility that a cyst might be dangerous, surgery is a definite must.

From the totally weird file

There's a type of ovarian cyst, called a dermoid cyst, which forms when an egg begins to develop in a very abnormal way. So? Well, these cysts can be made up of all sorts of bizarre things, including hair, teeth, bones and skin fragments. This is because the cells that have gone mad are the ones that have the potential to create the different types of tissues normally found in your body. These cysts are best removed surgically - after all, who wants a set of teeth in their ovary?

#12: Is She Really Going Out With Him?

Your best friend has a new guy, so you should be happy for her. There's just one problem - he's a total jerk. So, what's a girl to do when her pal loves a prat?

"What do you think of Tim?" my friend shouts at me for the 98th time on the crowded dancefloor. "Erm, he's nice..." I lie, doing a quick spin. She's not fooled. She shakes her head. "You don't like him, do you?" I mutter something about not knowing him, "I'm sure he's fine." But she knows. And she's terribly disappointed in me. I am tempted, oh so tempted, to say she's wrong, that I think Tim is wonderful, clearly in love with her and definitely the best thing that's ever happened to her. But I can't because it's obvious Tim isn't in love with her. In love with himself more like. I've only just met him but my prat-warning antennae are giving me a headache. He's so full of himself. His attitude towards my friend displays a cavalier sense of his self-worth, not hers. For starters, he turned up late, then hit her with a didn't-mean-it-really criticism of her faulous dress, then looks at me like he wants to kill me because he knows I see straight through him, as any decent friend would. Too right I don't like him. Would you?

Speak up, or not?

Marie, my friend, knows how I feel, yet it doesn't stop her seeing him. She even declares herself madly in love and thinks they might marry. What am I to do? Keep quiet and let her get on with it or offer her the benefit of my highly-prejudiced opinion? Try to talk her out of her as fast as you can, but suppose I'm wrong? Listen, I've drunk champagne at more marriages made in hell than I can remember. Sometimes, it's just obvious from the get-go that a relationship is unbalanced but you never quite have the courage to point it out. For months you don't say anything to either party for fear of causing offence. Then you go to their wedding, heart heavy in your boots, and declare this couple are made for each other when they clearly aren't. I look back now on times when I've done that and think of it as the worst betrayal. But how can I be sure I'm right? Suppose, just suppose, I'm jealous? I know that's what Marie will say if I front up about my feelings about Tim. But I shouldn't let such fears stop me. As more relationships face difficulties, we owe it to those we care about to help them to make a good match, not a bad one.

Truth or jealousy?

Couples who are genuinely right for each other invite very little comment from their friends. We all love a good gossip but there's little fun in commenting and whispering about those who chirp at each other like little loveirds. Those suited tend to be very obviously so. When they're not suited, it's something that is often more visible from the outside. So, I gently try to tell Marie why I don't like Tim. I wouldn't have bothered, ut she's started with the bridal brochures and what's a friend to do? "Why don't you like him?" she snaps at me. "Go on, tell me," she yells. I've never seen my friend of so many years quite so angry. I'm in a painted corner. There's no way out. So I take a deep breath and say to her: "No matter how badly he behaves, or how many times he lets you down or openly humiliates you in front of your friends, you always rush to his defence too quickly." She shrugs, "He's very busy," she says like that excuses all of the above. Then she dismisses me and here comes the comment I knew to expect. "You're just jealous. You're going 30 and still not married. Well that won't happen to me. Get out."

Slimy tactics

Yes, it's true I'm not married. So I suppose I can't comment, can I? At least, not from a position of strength. Getting married matters more to Marie than who she marries. Tim wants to marry her, I opine, because he has her exactly where he wants her - on the floor. And he's fast isolating her from all her friends. More power to have over her. She can't see it because she's totally taken in by what little charm this snake possesses. And oh, how she wants that ring. I've been where Marie is. His name was Paul, but I called him Paulie. He called me spanner face. But I like his ribbing, insisted he didn't mean it. My friend Corinne was sure he did. "You're not serious about him are you?" she asked. I was staggered by her question and blurted out no. She nodded and said: "In that case, enjoy. He's a nice piece of arm candy." But what if I'd said I was serious? Because I was. So I gradually started seeing less of Corinne and more of Paulie. That way, I didn't have to face her criticism. I suppose, deep down, I was running away from Corinne because I didn't like that she knew the truth. But I wasn't ready to face up to that yet. I was blinded by the scenery. Paulie was so good-looking but oh boy, did he know it. As I isolated myself more from my crowd (sound familiar? Marie is doing the same with Tim) I became more and more lonely because convinced as I was that Paulie was right for me, I didn't actually see him all that often. I couldn't admit this to my friends (pride) so I often spent Saturday nights, weekends and holidays alone, waiting. When I eventually wised up and left my so-called relationship, my friends as one yelled, "Welcome back."

Prat Recognition

So, how did Corinne know he was so wrong so soon after meeting him? "He was clearly a con man," she told me. "Much too busy admiring his own reflection to notice you." How could she tell all this? She hardly knew the man. "It's true I only met him a few times but I knew him through what you said about him. Everything he did was wonderful. He was just too, too perfect. You invested him with qualities he didn't have. You went on about his appearance. He's very good-looking. No question. But because of that, you assumed all kinds of other things about him." I did what many of us accuse men of doing: I judged by looks. I was a sucker for a pretty face and a beautiful, well-dressed body. I wanted others to notice me through him. To think more of me because I had this trophy bloke on my arm. Shallow or what? Paul cared more about looks than anything. I've no idea what he saw in me. Appearance wise, we were in wildly-different leagues. I was probably a bit of a novelty to him. Someone who didn't know her Gucci from her Prada, except that they're both Italian, right? Oh how quaint I must have seemed. What a prat he was. No, what a fool I was. Why couldn't I see it. Corinne shakes her much-wiser head than mine. "Well, we did try..." Okay, okay. So should I tell Marie about Tim? Without question, says Corinne.

Speaking up

Interference is what friendships are all about, otherwise they're not worth having. The truth has has to be expressed. If you're right and it all goes horribly wrong, you'll be blamed anyway, 'Why didn't you warn me?' they'll say to you. 'Aren't you supposed to be my friend?' So I say, speak you mind and do it tactfully ...saying something like 'If I was in your shoes,' rather than telling them outright they're dating a jerk. No-one likes to hear that." One way to express this feeling is to say that for you, it would be the wrong decision. She has to make her own choices and learn from them but she still needs you. So try and be supportive rather than judgemental. Deep down, she probably knows you're right. She probably has inner voices of doubt herself, but doesn't want to listen to them. Right now, she prefers to heed the call of the more reckless side of her nature and that's something we all do at some point. We are meant to get it wrong at times. How else can we know when we've got it right? be honest about your feelings because that's what friendship is supposed to be. But in the end, it is up to your friend how she wants to live her life and what decisions she wants to take. But if she realises that your concerns are an expression of love, not condemnation, she'll be very glad of it. Or she should be.

Family of friends

Friends are the new family for many of today's young women. We get closer to our friends, tell them far more about ourselves, and they see us in ways our blood family never do. So whereas we'd be reluctant - understandably - to listen to our mothers or even our grandmothers, as many of us did on the past, today we listen to friends instead. So, you have to speak up.

Try, try again

Eventually, I gather enough courage to try again. I haven't seen Marie in several weeks. This is not from want of trying. She hasn't returned my calls and the one time she did answer my call, she slammed the phone down the instant she recognised my voice. So I go over to the apartment where she lives. I'm uninvited and I'm unloved. Hey, I'm the bad fairy in Sleeping Beauty! But I've got to try one more time. She opens the door, hair up in a white towel, face half-painted. She's clearly going out soon. With Tim, I expect. I haven't much time so I blurt out pretty much everything Corinne told me about Paul. I pour out all of my mistakes. And I ramble on about How I'm glad now I had a friend to warn me, even though I didn't listen to her at the time. I finish up with: "I won't say any of this again. I have a duty to you and I just couldn't rest till I'd done it." Julie nods. She hasn't asked me into her place. "Finished?" she says. I nod. So are they. About two weeks ago. She was too proud to tell me. But she's going out tonight as a free woman. Would I care to join her in painting the town red? We burst into tears, hug, and fall in through the front door. It might not end so happily for you but you've got to give it a go. Think of yourself in your friend's position. Say what you would want her to tell the truth too. Tell her about the prats you've dated before - make them up if necessary. It'll help her to realise that you're really on her side. It's not an easy place to be, but will you ever rest easy if you don't say something, now?

How to set her straight

Here's a quick guide to the right way and the wrong way to tell a friend she's dating a prat.

» Wrong Way "Him? He's a total mummy's boy."

» Right Way "I think you might be competing with his mother for his love."

» Wrong Way "His eyes are too close together."

» Right Way "I don't think he's nice enough for you."

» Wrong Way Laughing hysterically when she says they're to marry.

» Right Way "Promise me you'll wait at least a year."

» Wrong Way He's a disgusting little twerp. Have you lost your mind?"

» Right Way "I'm worried he'll take his insecurities out on you."

» Wrong Way "Are you that desperate?"

» Right Way "You could do so much better."

#11: Reload His Rocket

At first, you did it all the time, any time, and anyplace. Now, he just doesn't seem interested anymore. What gives? Here's how to put the lust back into your love-life.

There comes a time in every relationship when you slip into the comfort zone. There is familiarity and predictability about most facets of life together and for the most part, this is not a bad thing. Sure, he's prone to the odd outburst of juvenile petulance when you insist that four hours of football on TV does not a cosy-evening-in make, but fior all his faults and foibles, his presence in your life in provides stability and consistency in your world. Plus, you get to have sex. A total win-win proposition. I'm sure I don't need to explain how important a little horizontal mambo is to your average man. Faced with a choice between life and the sex of a lifetime, most of us would actually have to give it some thought. Much has been said regarding the origins of this unquenchable thirst: it's genetic, it's how we prove our manhood to ourselves, it's the most pleasurable form of exercise yet invented. Who really knows (or cares)? Suffice to say, given the opportunity most men will drop their Levis quicker than Hollywood can crank out movie sequels.

I'm told that the male penchant for the carnal carnival can be a tad annoying - especially when you take its single-minded nature into account. As vexing as this may be, a glut is preferable to a drought and when a man loses interest in doing the biz, many a female partner is left confused, upset and riddled with self-doubt as to her - how do I say this? - pulling power. At some time or another you'll find yourself with that certain itch, he's simply in no mood to scratch. You have two choices here. You can either pack up the lingerie, storm off and find yourself a man who can't stop 'til the morning papers arrive, or you can stick around and remedy the situation. If this is the only malaise affecting an otherwise rewarding relationship, I'd strongly advise going with option two - there are easy steps you can take to remedy the situation. The reasons men go off sex are varied and manifest themselves in different ways, however there are some general causes and, I'm glad to report, remedies to match.

Just Hold Me
One of the most prevalent of all gender fallacies is that, more often than not, men fall into the trap of seeing sex as a purely physical experience - the body as fun-park concept. And while we are - for better or worse, and I strongly suspect the latter - capable of divorcing our inner selves from the physical ramifications of ultimate closeness with another human being, we're people too, dammit. Fellow souls who need - no, deserve - to be held, caressed and cuddled (anything along the lines of "you're the sexiest/biggest/best/first" will do it). However, no matter what you say or how you say it, you have to be holding us tight and maybe gently stroking our hair. I've read numerous interviews with ladies of the night who consistently report that the sex they provide is often simply a pretext and what their clients really desire is intimacy. And it kinda makes sense, when you think about it. Men live in a world of intense competition where dependence is often equated with weakness. Paralysed by out-dated macho stereotypes, they believe that all physical contact is governed by the ethos "go hard or go home". What's more, thy actually think that this is what you women want from them. Show him that you won't think any less of him if he'd rather be cuddled than canoodle and his sex drive will return quicker than you can say "Honey, can we at least wait until we're out of the cab?"

If It's Tuesday
That brings me to my next point -the dreaded routine trap. I should point out that men are just as guilty of this relationship felony (I use this word because it is more grave than a simple misdemeanour) as women. It's a genuine trans-gender libido diffuser. So let's talk a little about the trouble with routine. This does not simply apply to the recurring patterns of frequency. There's so many more factors to consider. First of all, there's days of the week. Logically, weekends would seem the ideal time for a loving liaison - there's no business-associated stress, no time pressure ("Honey, could you pick up the pace down there, I've got a 9:30 presentation.") - it all adds up to ideal circumstances for a bit of hard lovin'. Perhaps too ideal. If he knows that Friday evening through to Sunday night is the action zone, he'll become conditioned to it and you can just kiss spontaneity goodbye. Mix it up, girl, with a little Wednesday wildness and Monday mischief on offer, and your man will experience erotic potential seven days a week. And believe me, that'll stoke the fire in his bioler.

The same philosophy applies to the time of day you decide to get naked and do the chimichanga. First thing in the morning is always good, as is the minute you both get home from work - the dinner really can wait. I'd also highly recommend the early-morning encounter and by this, I mean really early - like 3am. Trust me on this, no man has ever rolled over and said, "Will you please stop fondling me, I'm trying to get some sleep here."

Location, Location
Now let's talk location. For all its wonders and majesty, the boudoir is not the be all and end all when it comes to lovemaking venues. Remember the suspenseful-and-hot The Postman Always Rings Twice? Kitchen table, with Jack Nicholson and Jessica Lange? Boy, when Jack delivers by hand... Still not convinced? Think Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger's tryst by the fridge in 9½ Weeks. Getting the picture yet? Use your imagination and watch your lovemaking take on a whole new dimension. We're not suggesting heading down to your local MRT station to catch a train to Ecstasy Central, the various rooms in your house will suffice. The shower, for example, is always a cracker. Steam, soap, slippery bodies... What can I say? It's a personal favorite and I'm sure you too will find yours, but you've gotta start looking. And remember, as my Auntie Beth (who outlived three husbands) always sid, "You call that carpet burn?"

My final point regarding the use of variety to perk up an ailing male appetite is perhaps the most delicate of all that I've mention. Two human bodies are capable of pleasuring one another in many wonderful ways, so experiment a little. There's a difference between discomfort and curiosity, so don't do anything you really don't want to, but by the same token, why go to the supermarket if you're only going to shop in the one aisle? If you're stuck for inspiration, there's a range of sources that should provide you with plenty of ideas that don't require the stamina of a marathon runner. There are also a few that might require you to start training up for them. Many can be found in books such as the Kama Sutra and The Joy Of Sex. Your willingness to have a go at something new and different is bound to reawaken his lust.

Equipment Failure
When the goodies in the downstairs department don't do what they're supposed to, men go through a series of emotions ranging from sheer terror to blind panic, followed by all manner of self-doubt. No matter how much and how often you reassure him, he won't be able to hear it over the alarm bells ringing in his head. There are numerous causes for flaccidity including stress, prostrate problems and even what is termed the male menopause (but this only strikes men around that age where they feel the urge to buy a sportscar and acquire a 20-year-old mistress on whose butt you can crack walnuts - and quite frankly it serves the bastards right). Once the mouse fails to come out of the house, so to speak, many men become reluctant to try to lure him out again for fear of experiencing a repeat non-performance. It's now excuse time. He'll tell you he's tired or that he just doesn't feel like it. In truth he's doubting he can do the job required and I can't over-emphasise the traumatic psychological effects of this.

I know it sounds irrational, but it's a totally different ball game for you lot around menopause time - a tube of KY and some hormone replacement therapy and you're ready for action again. This is a tricky problem to solve and I'd recommend extensive foreplay as your starting point. A long, slow full-body massage with some essential oils is always good, followed by a bit of teasing sensuality and perhaps that one special thing he loves you to do. C'mon now, he must have at least one!

We Have To Talk
I purposely left this entry until quite late in the piece so you at least consider the previous explanations before leaping onto this one. A small number of men who no longer want to have sex with their partners are in this frame of mind because, well, to put it delicately, they're banging booty somewhere else. Sad but true. How do you tell? A dramatic drop in the frequency you have sex is the prime indicator, but exercise caution when making this observation. Another thing to watch out for is him splurging on loads of sexy new underwear that he only puts on for office days but never on weekends when he's with you. If he is cheating on you, chances are, he'll feel obligated to still have sex with you to keep up appearances and arouse your suspicions. Look out for any new techniques (is he kissing differently?) or positions that were never in his repertoire. Once again, restraint and caution are paramount in a situation like this. Before the accusations start flying, make sure you have your facts straight. After all, how would you feel if you'd gone to the trouble of researching a new lovemaking trick in order to spice up bedroom time, only to be told that because you'd never done it before mist mean you're having an affair?

And Finally...
I was going to end this story by saying there are times (albeit incredibly rare) that men simply don't feel like it. But I'm afraid this is not so. If you have the place, we have the time. If you have the time, we have the place. If you have the end, we have the means. When men don't want to make love, there has to be a reason for it. It may be something you can help with, it may be something he can only do alone (now, now, that's not what I mean), but regardless of what he says, hang in there, keep wearing the lingerie and bide your time. Unless, of course, he happends to be cheating on you, in which case you have every right to sprinkle iron filings into his condom stash - and tell him Missy Yuuko sent ya. Once the crisis passes, he'll return to the fray with a pent-up passion you'll recall from your early days together and believe me when I tell you that's the sexiest kind of nostalgia there is.